tishz

last night was the christmas disco, unlike those who are excited about it, those who spent the whole day looking for the best dress, i looked like a trash.. a pretty trash though.. anyway, i lost the excitement for student's night, it doesn't seem to be so special. the only reason i came is because i was assigned for the opening prayer-big deal!

anyway, after the opening prayer i sat beside jear, who sat beside you-know-who. i wasn't really giving him much attention, don't care! then jear whispered to my right ear, "diba yan yung binigay mo sa kanya" she darted her look to the army green t-shirt he was wearing. true enough, it is what i gave him for his birthday. i had this kaleidoscope of emotions, of delight, of sadness and awwwness.. wala na ba syang masuot?? kasi what reason is there for him to wear it.. or is there no reasons at all, but i'm paranoid enough to think of all sorts of things that came into his mind before leaving their house for the christmas disco. maybe there's nothing special about him wearing that t-shirt, then again, there's still me wishing there is. atleast i had this reason to hope, hope for what then??

i didn't dance the whole night, okay i did, once. i just sat at the top of the bleachers, staring at the back of his head turned straight to the dance floor where she danced. she looked like she came out of a pantene commercial, her hair all bouncy and shiny.. i sighed at how it seems as if we had switched places, she is wearing a yellow backless and a skirt, all eyes on her, and i can't find the attention seeker in me, i sat there, low-profile, also in my skirt..sitting among those whom i spoke of as boring people who sit around on discos..('cause who sits around when there's music playing??unfortunately i have turned into one of them boring peeps)

so the whole night, i sat alone in the top bleacher, granted with the presence of those who decides to stop dancing for a minute or so. i sat there with the mp3 player, feeling rather senti-er, listening to some senti companions such as "tell me where it hurts" disregarding the fact that the song is so gasgas na..(who listens to music when there is already another, louder music? hay, me.) hallel, noticing that i was surprisingly silent that night called me to her side. the slow dance started, leaving us who are not asked sitting, wondering what's wrong with us(drama!) i teased her about RJ who happen to pass us, backfiring, she asked, "pano kung isayaw ka ni sonny?", i'd rather say "ulul" but then again i just said, "wag ganyan yhey" then came the question that provoked my tears, "pero umaasa ka?", i shook my head no, and cried.

can you blame me? the student's night brought memories of how past student's nights have been, it brought me to the realization, that the past student's night are nothing but memories...

tishz

people who's hearts are shattered often ask themselves why the one who left them broken didn't even utter a goodbye. and yet here i am asking myself why i said goodbye. i was the one who broke the almost perfect relationship we had, people expects us to end up together, to prove them right, that there is forever. people expects us to fulfill destiny, to prove serendipity, to prove them wrong that highschool relationships works. but, we have to part ways, we did knowing we still love each other and yet you left.

yes, i was wrong with saying goodbye. i was the one who said goodbye. but you were the one who left.

i remembered that look you gave me when you were standing infront of the board blocking the writings, not making any difference since it was a blur to my brown eyes anyway. i stared back at you trying to make out something from the stare i am receiving, feeling a tingling sensation down my tummy like  a little kid looking at her first crush, i can feel the butterflies making their way out my lips, wondering if you can see. can you? after a while i realized what the awkward stare meant, i was nothing more than a stranger, your first love, a stranger, your first girlfriend turned to someone you don't know. you have managed to sit down after the shouting from our classmates, your back facing me. shaking your head i could almost understand what you were asking, what you were trying to shake away from your thoughts. who am i?

as i stared at you, even from your back, with tears fighting to hide themselves, i'm saying "this is me, still loving you, keeping the promise you have broken, this is me wishing you happiness that i will never feel, this is me empty and alone also wondering who i am... 'cause this is still me, but without you i'm not so sure who is 'me' anymore"